Jacob Thomas Stuart
10/13/2000 - 02/09/2019
Jacob was born on October 13, 2000, Friday the 13th on a full moon night. His birth was a miracle as I had already lost 3 pregnancies and was told that I would likely suffer yet another with him. I decided to leave it to Gods hands and accept the outcome of his choosing, when I heard his first cry I understood that God had given me the most precious gift I could ever receive. I just didn't know how hard I would have to continue to fight for my sons life for the next 18 years.
It is clear after last night just how true the butterfly effect is on the lives of those around you when you make a decision. Nothing ever only involves just ourselves when we make a choice in life, the repercussions of our actions can be seen and felt like the waves of the ocean gearing up for a tsunami. The ripples though small at first, begin to overlap one another, gathering up its speed and strength until there is nowhere for it to go except blasting itself outward at a force far greater than any man made explosion could. The shock waves that can be felt long after the wave subsides have shaken me to my core and have left me just as trembling on the inside.
Though the choices made last night were not my own, I have to take responsibilities for the choices in my past that had its effects on my sons life. In doing so I have learned valuable lessons in processing my guilt and shame, growing both in spirit and mind and am choosing to let this define who I am rather than let the choices decide for me. I am coming to the realization that being a good parent to a struggling and defiant child means that I have to step back from the desire to fix things for him and let the natural consequences enter his reality.
Spending the week by myself with him in a facility and Jim in Mexico, it was the first time in a while that I wasn't worried about mine or Jacobs safety. Choosing to let natural consequences weigh out this time seems to have been the right choice for Jacob because he voluntarily admitted himself in for treatment and was finally the one making the decision to help himself instead of it being me choosing for him. I believe this to be the first step for him in choosing his own path to finding his way and coping with the issues he struggles with. We all need to make that choice at some point in our lives and for me, allowing him to do so has strengthened us both and given him the power over his life. Now on the correct meds to even him out, Jacob seems to finally be on an emotional level and able to consciously see his actions, reactions and make decisions out of reason and logic. All very important insights that he never had control over before.
He is not the only one growing from this experience, I as well as our family are learning to work together and are able to do so more cohesively and as a unit rather than as individuals. Considering how far we have come I realized that this event also marks my third year since seeking Jacks help in finding Happy Jappy. I am filled with pride and accomplishment for the road that has gotten me here, and celebrate my victories every day that I am blessed to wake up alive. I ask myself what it is that pushed me to crawl out of the depths of my deep depression and fight to live again, and I think I finally know with certainty what the answer is.
I wanted to live and love because I deserved too and I was determined to be as present as I could so that I could enjoy the best part of my life with my family. I rarely have days now where I am depressed or thinking negative thoughts about myself. Every now and then these thoughts creep in but I have the presence and the tools to recognize them and correct the behavior. I don't think life has ever looked so beautiful to me, I smile at the thought of each new day and am more driven than ever to find peace and greatness in every moment I breathe in. That broken and dying girl who came to Jack three years ago has found a way to heal all that had destroyed her and has grown into this woman who has found strength and appreciation for the scars she will forever bear.
Today is as wonderful and fulfilling as I choose for it to be, I live with no regrets from my past and a full desire to make the most of each moment forward no matter the obstacles that are put in front of me. Not only have I gained myself back, but I have been given a stronger relationship with Jim and Jacob and have been blessed to call Jack and Kathleen my family as well. One day at a time is all that I can be responsible for and I take it head on with a vigor and love that I had not known before. I know there is nothing I cannot overcome and am aware that all I am faced with is not impossible. I love where and who I am today and would do it all again if i knew this is where I would end up.
