7 Years

December 13 2018

I have been dreaming about Jake the last few weeks again, nothing scary but he is just there. Sometimes he is trying to find his way back into my life as it is now, he is oblivious to the fact he has been gone for 7 years and behaves as though nothing ever happened between us, and no time has passed. I don't know what they mean, it has been a while since I have dreamt of him this often. 

Maybe it is simply because the anniversary is here, today is the day that he was hit by the truck and put on life support. He was not officially gone until December 22. The life I had with him seems too distant to be mine anymore, too tragic and painful to remember to feel. Not that I have forgotten my life with him just that I choose to focus on the life that I have now and the woman I have become since his death. Nobody could have told me that this is where I would be, I wouldn't believe them. 

I think it was important for me to truly forgive Jake for everything that happened at his hands, to do my best to let go of the hold he once had on me. Remnants are still a part of me, always will be but today I realize that without him and my experiences as his wife, I wouldn't have Jim and all the love he gives to me. While I feel sad right now when I think of that day 7 years ago it doesn't feel like the same sadness, it's not the same grieving I did for the woman I lost when he died. 

I had to lose her to become who I am now, and I accept and acknowledge it with grace. My grief has evolved into a sadness for Jake and the pain he must have went through to be the person that he was, to do the hurtful things he did  to me. That is a tremendous amount of pain to carry, and I think I finally understand that this is what drove him to be so cruel to me. He needed someone else to feel his pain just like I did, to validate it, to not have to feel it alone. 

I am finally ok to say that I don't need who I was before to be ok with who I am now. I no longer seek Jake's permission to move forward and find love again, and I no longer fear that his piercing words would always be true for me. I am so sorry Jake that you were in so much pain, for what it is worth thank you for making me this tough, for giving me reasons to push myself past my breaking point, and for allowing me to let go of you so that I could live again. 

I hope he has found the peace that I have been fortunate enough to find, an eternity spent in turmoil has to be hell. 

Feelings

July 16 2018

Tonight I am sad,

I am depressed, exhausted, unsure, afraid

Scared of things I cannot control

Fearful of situations that have not happened and likely never will

Regretful that I cannot be a better parent for my son,

That I haven't figured out how to communicate with him better

Why is it so hard for people who love each other  to talk to one another?

To see each others point of view? To listen to one another?

Sad that I often feel misunderstood by others I love,

Sad that I wish i felt more important to them

I feel stupid sometimes for trying so  hard to please everyone when I know they would not do the same for me

Still, this has not stopped me from being who I am

It just hurts to be me sometimes, it is lonely and scary and I don’t like how it makes me feel inside

I want to be seen for who I am, for the things I have overcome and the way I try everyday to be a better me

I wonder what it would be like to not know pain and disappointment? This cannot be all that life has in store for us, there is no way we are here to be ignored, thrown away, dismissed, mistreated, unloved, unwanted…...forgotten.

I have been wronged and I have been the one to do wrong to others that I love,

How can I stop reacting defensively? How can I rewire my brain to understand not everything

Is a threat to my being, that I can choose the outcome now, that I don’t have to just survive

I can live, I am allowed to be here without fear of being hurt right? Aren’t we all? How can I change the way I think and feel? I don't want to be sad and depressed, how can I feel like I am good enough? Fuck tonight and my emotions over running me