2020 comes to an end

 12/02/2020

Summing up another year that I have survived, though not without more heartache. Since my happiest moment of last year when Jim and I got married until today I went from one extreme to the other and am proud to say that I am still in one piece.

We lost my moms house, and we lost our precious baby Isaiah to sids at just three months old. One week apart from tragedy to tragedy, how we made it I have no clue. But we are here, we are stronger as a family and as individuals. We are holding one another up the best we can and we know that we can overcome everything put in our way. This is what I choose to believe, to carry forward, to instill in myself and others because giving up is never an option. Bring on 2021 I am not afraid.

I will not be broken

 August 30, 2020

In a matter of days life has gone from perfection to destruction and until this moment, I was certain that it would break me once again. The month prior to August 22nd was spent battling a choice my sister had made not just for herself, but for our entire family that I knew wouldn't end well. Against my better judgement I gave in to my sisters desire for happiness and love, never knowing the true cost, never imagining how much we would pay. 

As I sat in my neighbors grass watching my mothers house burn to ashes, I couldn't tell if I was more angry or sad thinking about all that was lost. I could feel the vile creep up my throat as a sense of deja vu washed over me, and I was reminded of that St. Patricks day March of 2010 when Jake burned down my house too. And if losing my mothers house and childhood home weren't enough, one week after the fire on August 29, 2020 Jacob lost his precious baby boy to sids and I lost my first grandson and all happiness that I was feeling was gone. 

WHY?!?! I just want to know why?? How could he be taken from us? He was innocent, sweet, loving, and hadn't begun to live yet! I want someone to give me answers, I want him to be brought back to us, we weren't ready for him to go! It is unfair tragedies like this that make me hate certain things in life. I will never understand why........my heart is hurting like never before.