September 14, 2017
Dear Michelle,
I realized today that I had forgotten to do something very important, and I hope you can forgive me for not doing this sooner. Since January of last year we have been on an extraordinary journey together, you and I, both of us making changes in ourselves and finally embracing all of the pain we have been through. For the past month I have really struggled emotionally and was not certain why, but after seeing Jack today he gave me some insight that I had not thought of before. Please bear with me as it is important to find the right words to express just how grateful I am for you because without you there would be....no ME.
Each morning when I look in the mirror, I see more and more of who I am becoming and I reflect on how I got to this place, right now, right here. Every day I see you in my mind, and I know now that I have to set you free so that you can find the closure that you have needed to. I want to thank you for being you, for being so strong and resilient at everything you did in life no matter how painful or hopeless it seemed. You were always strong and determined to be someone who didn't let others get her down, you refused to let someone else snuff out the light inside of you even when it was so small that it barely flickered. I admire the part of you that didn't know what it was like to give up or quit, and I am espectially fond of the fact that you always tried and went into things head first, never doubting that you could or would accomplish something. You were and are incredibly warm-hearted and an open book with people, even strangers. People always felt comfortable and drawn to you and opened themselves up to you when they had never done that with anyone else before, you comforted others and reassured them that everything would be ok and you have done the same for me.
I try to think about how you managed to remain so brave and tough through your life, what was it that drove you to keep moving forward through it all? I will never know that answer but I do know that I owe you everything because of it, you have been my rock and foundation for all these years but it is time to let you have peace and release you from carrying me any further. Thank you for being the kind of girl who was confident in herself and her abilities, thank you for being the one to shield me from the unpleasantness of growing up with a mother who was never satisfied and whose harsh and cruel words would have been too much for me to bear. Thank you for being the strong one in the family that kept us all together when things were falling apart, for raising my sister the best that you knew how and for taking care of my dad when he was going through his depression and suicide attempts our senior year in high school. Thank you for standing up and doing what needed doing for him when our mother left the country and abandoned you to do it on your own. Thank you for believing in people and love, and for not letting the bad things harden your heart even after Jake.
Thank you for doing all that you could those 7 years to keep me and Jacob safe from harm and destruction, nobody should ever have to endure the amount of violence and pain that you went through because of Jake. Thank you for showing yourself what it was like to stand behind your word at all costs when you took care of Jake so that he could never use it against us that we failed him like all others in his life. Thank you for maintaining your integrity even when you felt like you had none left, and for showing me what it looked like to be a brave and fearless warrior when you were walking through hell. Because of you and your refusal to die by the hands of another, I am alive today and am learning who I am and what I am capable of. For so long I have lived in your shadow, hiding from the tragedies in my life, sheltered from it all with you as my shield. I am so grateful for you giving me this life and the hope that the road ahead can and will be better than I ever imagined it could be. Without you experiencing the loss of Jake and the grief that came with it, I would not have been able to be so brave when daddy died and been able to be the strong one for everyone else. I had never known death before Jake and I am so sorry that it was so hard on you and hurt so much, you never deserved to know that level of burden on your beautiful spirit.
I will forever be amazed at how much strength the human spirit can have and what it can endure while still surviving. I may be afraid at times because I am still learning and getting to know this new person that I am, but I know with certainty that nothing is impossible and that gives me great hope for my future. You have carried us through all of the pain, the hurt, the disappointments, the beatings, the let downs, the near death experiences, the losses and now the fight to win at life. Because of you, I am confident that from here on out I can do this on my own so that you can put yourself to rest and find some peace, you more than deserve that after everything. Saying good bye to you is not a bad thing, and it doesn't mean that I will forget all that you did for us or who you were, it is me giving you this gift to finally be free of all the pain the way you have given me the gift of a new life. I will always love, respect and admire you for all that you were and will carry with me all the pieces of you that I need to keep moving forward as a strong and beautiful woman who has overcome the impossible. Thank you so much for being an inspiration and the epitome of what it is to be a WOMAN against all odds. You will forever be my hero and my reason for living my life to the fullest every chance I get. I will find and keep the happiness and achievement we both so deserve, and will not ever take for granted the sacrifices you made so that I could finally live again. I love you with everything that I am, and I will always carry you in my heart. Thank you so much, Michelle, thank you more than words can ever say.
